Honk Off Friday!

For the foreseeable future I am instituting what I like to call "Honk Off Friday" - basically, your chance to freely bitch, moan, complain, and vent about whatever is bothering you, be it fertility-related, pregnancy-related, having to do with your kids, spouse, co-worker, inlaws, strangers, yadda, yadda! This was inspired by the tradition of a talk radio host I listen to, who devotes that last few minutes of his weekday show to allow listeners to "honk off" - they get 30 seconds of uninterrupted time on the airwaves to sound off on whatever or whoever is pissing them off. LOVE IT!

Here's my inaugural "honk off" . . .

As most of you know, I have had to stay emotionally detached during this pregnancy with Urban Myth, partly because of my fear of losing a fourth baby in utero, and partly because of the dumb ass things said to us that make me cling tighter to Lil Pumpkin and feel terrible about adding bio-kid to the mix.

WELL, one of the things I was GENUINELY EXCITED about was revealing Urban Myth's gender (a girl, for any new or occasional readers) to my Dad, Stepmother, and that part of the family when we gathered on Christmas Eve at my favorite Aunt's house (our tradition, as Christmas Eve is "thee" event in our family). Of course (OF COURSE) I find out two days ago that my Dad has to work on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Dad works at a hospital, a shift that runs from 1:00 - 10:00 p.m., and lives 60 miles away from us. Please don't ask if my Aunt can reschedule to accomodate, it's just not possible because of all the factors involved. My Dad doesn't have young kids (my brothers from his 2nd marriage are 23 and 13), so they schedule folks like him on the Christmas holidays to accomodate employees with young kids (which I normally think is a good idea).

But this was MY MOMENT! Years ago, I had this fantasy of giving birth, my parents walking into the room, and me getting to announce "It's a _____!" and seeing the reaction on their faces. Obviously that changed with adoption, and of course there have been many moments that I have gotten to witness their joy of Lil Pumpkin, and how in love they are with her.

Nonetheless, I was truly lookinf forward to having everybody together and having Lil Pumpkin announce that she is "getting a Baby Sister!" to all, and seeing them beam and coo (yes, she knows now, and I shall post on that decision in an entry next week, I promise). The community my Aunt lives in has a volunteer fire dept that does a Christmas Eve fundraiser each year where they send a fireman to your house (for a contribution) dressed as Santa, pose for photos with the kids, and will hand out gifts if you'd like. LP just LOVED this last year, and is looking forward to it again this year. She already asked the mall Santa for a baby sister, and I was looking forward to my Dad getting to see her do this in his presence (she only wants a baby sister, and a purple princess dress for Christmas, she says).

I know most of my family will be excited, no matter the gender, no matter when or how I tell them. I just wanted them all together, and my damn "moment." So I am HONKING OFF at what can't be, and how it sucks because throughout my emotional detachment, this was a shining star moment that I was really connected with, all along.

Okay, YOUR TURN TO HONK OFF (please do, so I don't feel so dumb)!!!

Please Flood Her With Support . . .

Hijacking my own blog to ask that you send some support, and tales from the "been there, and look how we're doing now" to the AWESOME Katie at Taking the Statistical Bullet.

She has been there, cheerleading so many of us, so many times. Let's be there extra for her right now, please!

Mucho gracias.

I'm Entitled to a Freak Out, right?!

So I had the aforementioned 3:15 dr. Appt w/my regular PCP (primary care practitioner) at his satellite office in the very same hospital where I am set to deliver Urban Myth (this is an important fact).

Somewhere between leaving my work office at 2:45 and the 10 minute drive into the hospital parking lot I had worked myself up into a full fledged lather, culminating in tracking down my OB office, panicking because the baby had barely moved in past 36 or more hours. Since my regular & favorite OB (fate?) was on call at said hospital this afternoon, they told me to stop by after my PCP appt.

By the time its 3:10 and I am checking in at PCP front desk I am nearly hysterical, and hyperventilating, pretty much unable to speak. They take my blood pressure and it's up a good 40 pts above my normal. PCP says I have a bad cold, a virus, not flu, and writes me a Rx for Z-pack (the hot antibiotic nowasdays).

By now I am more calm, and go over to Labor & Delivery to see my fave OB, (heart him). I tell him I know its all gonna be okay, but since I haven't freaked out in nearly 26 wks of pregnancy, and given my history and symptoms, I am entitled to this. He laughs, says "of course everything is okay" and has nurse hook me up to those belly bands you see on tv (go around the back and clamp down on belly - don't know how else to describe it, having never been in this position before).

They "track" baby for 5 or so minutes and pronounce all as being well! Nurse said that fact that I had taken Be.nadryl for two nights in a row (per OB orders if I needed help sleeping) probably had baby a bit sluggish, too, thus contributing to my anxiety. OB said to start on the Z-pack right away, no problem. So . . . No flu, baby fine, and me feeling bit embarrassed but know better safe than sorry, and not going to worry about the bills coming forth (remember high deductible, grrr), cause really, all things considered this was a good outcome, so what if it costs me extra money?!

Urban Myth still not moving around much this evening, but then again I feel like shit, and Lil Pumpkin was giving her Daddy a fussy time, so I probably wasn't thinking about it either.

Ick, Ugh, Cough, Wash, Rinse, Repeat

I am icky-sicky.  Finally called PCP dr. and being seen at 3:15.  UnfortunatelyI have to go to his office @ hospital (cue the germ alert!) which is why I took a later appt - thus I can immediately go home, strip, and sanitize myself.

Symptoms: post-nasal drip resulting in gobs of coughed-up bright green phlegm (yum!), raspy cough, irritated throat, slightly swollen glands, and general feeling of being rundown. Started Sunday evening, ebbs and flows intensity, worse when laying down (hence me sleeping semi-propped up on couch past 2 nights, breathing thru mouth, which further irritates my throat).

Urban Myth was super-active on Monday, but very quiet on Tuesday, which of course had me panicked.  We have dopplered me a couple of times and she sounds fine, though.  I am certain that if we didn't have it I'd have insisted on either a trip to the ER or emergency u/s.  Damn anterior placenta for dulling everything!

I am supposed to teach a continuing ed class on Thursday morning, too.  I need the extra $125 I earn by doing so, so praying for swift recovery.  

ICK!  Oh, and Lil Pumpkin's nose has decided to start running this morning.  Sigh.  At least she is now old enough to say "I need a Kle.enex."

P.S. We doubt its the flu of any type, just an allergy-mixed cold that I'd normally be able to treat w/OTC drugs if I were non-pregnant.

As Crafty As I Get (which ain't sayin' much)

DISCLAIMER: I suck at crafts. I am not artistic.

Now that you know my baseline, I wanted to have Lil Pumpkin do something of the homemade variety to give to her grandparents for the holidays, as well as our tree. So I went to our local craft store, and found these plain, cardboard stars for $.99 a piece. I then purchased a 5-pack Cr.ayola Gli.tter Glue Pens (note: I am ANTI-glitter, it's a long story, but it's a mess typically, even if I love how sparkly it looks).

I put an ugly t-shirt on Lil Pumpkin as an art mock, and commenced the craft! (P.S. the glitter washed off easily, as the packaging promised).

She squeezed globs of glitter glue onto one side of each star. Then I gave her a couple of those bendy-straws (the ones that bend at a 90-degree angle that come with a soft drink), but I had cut them down so they were about 6-inches in total. She used the straws to draw and swirl the glitter glue around. Voila! The following night, we flipped the stars and she painted the other side.

They actually came out really pretty (I think), and she will have something homemade to put on everyone's tree. I am going to make a tag that has her name and the year on it, and attach it to the string from which each star is suspended.

Hard to capture "sparkleness" in a photo, but here are the results . . .

Waiting and Searching

25 weeks today. How, I have no idea. First was the "you've got to be phucking kidding me" upon taking the HPT in the parking lot of the dollar store (I peed at home, brought it with me, then ran into the store to buy a test).

Then came the "ah, game over" when I was bleeding in weeks 5 & 6. And then the "Yeah, anyday now this will cease and we can go back to our real lives" with the ultrasounds in weeks 5, 6, 8, 10, and 12. Then the elation (yet still surprise) that the NT Scan & bloodwork virutally eliminated the worries of Do.wn Syn.drome and Trimsomy 13 & 18. And my suspicious sense of "are you sure?" lingered well through the fetal anatomy scan in week 18, 'cause I was sure they would finally find something to be wrong, or at least raise some major red flags.

And as I passed the milestones of others' pregnancies whose precious babies died in utero or were born too soon, I thought about (and wept again) for each of you and your angels, and wondered when the BOOM moment would come for my 4th pregancy to end tragically, as the others have.

And yet, still, here we are. 25 weeks, and at the fringe of viability.

I worry obsessively about car accidents, being bumped by shopping carts at crowded stores, infections, and placental scenarios that I have clue or knowledge of. I have no symptoms or things (at this point) that seem to indicate any medical issue is going to occur (i.e. my blood pressure is good, my legs/ankles aren't swollen, my headaches are more occasional nowadays).

But I feel like "it" is lurking out there, somewhere. And I wish I knew what "it" was going to be, so I could be prepared somehow (I know, impossible). I can not be convinced that everything is going to remain "normal," based on my history and luck. I even have said "hey, I can handle being told that Urban Myth will have a heart issue" and so on, since we have successfully handled it with Lil Pumpkin. But God Almighty, not knowing when and how and what will happen is producing major anxiety within me.

I don't know when I am supposed to worry about fetal movements (how often, when having anterior placenta?), if I should actually engage in some sort of newborn preparation (when I say I don't have a single thing, and don't intend to until at least mid-January, I am not kidding), if I dare call AF.LAC and inquire about the short-term disability policy I have with them (which will barely cover my mortgage while on unpaid maternity leave), make the call to the hospital for the "official tour," and so on. Is there a point at which it's truly a bad idea to pick up my 31-pounder? 'Cause if I do find out answers to these questions, wouldn't that surely jinx things???

It feels like there is this surprise party awaiting me, and though I am aware of the party going to occur, I don't know when the party will be held, or where, or when. I am terrified of being out somewhere with Lil Pumpkin, and finding blood on the toilet paper, or having some other sudden indicator of a bad outcome, and trying to remain calm and get assistance while not scaring her. I am equally terrified about being at home with Lil Pumpkin, and falling down the steps or injuring myself while doing laundry (me in basement, she on first floor), and not being able to summon help. I mean, I carry my cell phone EVERYWHERE already, so I know this is not very likely, and my Mom and stepfather live 6 miles away, Dr. J's office is only 4 miles from our house, and if I am out in public all I have to do is say "Call an ambulance." But still, I am anxious and worried, 'cause it just doesn't seem possible that this can all wind up being normal.

Note to Self (through my tears) -- UPDATED

UPDATED - per MountainGirl's request, at the bottom of this entry I added a few links to these blogs that have or are about to receive their China referral. Some are for Children of Promise, and some are for the standard match process.

Note to Self: Do not, repeat, do NOT click on the blogs of people who are finally receiving their referral from China today, especially those who are "Child of Promise" (i.e. special needs matches, as Lil Pumpkin was), and seeing their precious, long-awaited child's face for the first time.

Do NOT do this after only being at work for 5 minutes, knowing damn well you will not see your own child again until 7 p.m. tonight because you have to attend a fundraiser for a politician at the end of the day (job responsibility for me).

Do NOT look at these fresh photos when you have just had a GREAT morning at home with your Lil Pumpkin, in which there were no fights, no tussles, cuddling while reading books, and no fuss when you applied the medicine to her legs this morning. Including after getting an excited text message from your husband that LP took her oral antibiotic without a huge dragout, and now father and daughter are happily enjoying a chocolate bar as a reward.

Do NOT especially look at these beautiful photos of children with some minor/moderate & correctable health issues, and think about how the fact that you and Dr. J were willing to take a chance just as they were, and have been rewarded with thee most splendid of children, who now rules your world.

Do NOT think about your dear friend and her husband who are anxious to travel to China in the coming months to pick up their own "Child of Promise," who resides in the same province as Lil Pumpkin came from.

Do NOT think about your other friend who is hoping to be matched either this month or next with their own "Child of Promise."

DO think about a favorite quotation you shared with both of these women, that "the shortest distance between two points is a leap of faith."

And DO reach for the napkin from your lunch and commence sobbing. And know that it's not the pregnancy hormones, it's thinking back on your own journey, how far you've come as a threesome, and how much joy lay ahead for these families, built and expanded by the life-giving miracle of adoption.

(um, how obvious is it that I clicked on these, and probably will continue to do so throughout the day as others post their new referral photos?!)

LINKS:

http://www.mattmandi.blogspot.com/
http://keirajoy07.blogspot.com/
http://www.ourhappilyeverafterstory.blogspot.com/
http://www.soloandthewookie.blogspot.com/?
http://www.ourdoubleblessingfromchina.blogspot.com/
http://www.nihaoyall.com/

AND THE ONE THAT MADE ME WEEP AND WANT TO GO HOME IMMEDIATELY, AND THANK GOD FOR OPENING OUR HEARTS TO POSSIBILITIES:

http://www.dotsonshome.net/

Want to be inspired by more stories of Children with Promise? Try this:

http://www.nohandsbutours.com/